I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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