I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
