I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
