anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
