Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
