shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
