My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You need Xanax blowdarts
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize