I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize