Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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