Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
