then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
