Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
