I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Boobs speak an international language.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
