Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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