So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
