The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
two words...techno handjob
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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