I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
