so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize