I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
