I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
