i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
