just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize