he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
