Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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