Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
