this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
