my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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