i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
