his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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