Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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