I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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