I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
