so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We left the knife in your bed.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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