I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
