guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
