I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i now understand why vodka
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
