seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
