How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
