She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
