my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize