It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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