Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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