i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Text me some of your sweat
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
