wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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