I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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