Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We had to coat check the pizza.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
