Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize