you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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