nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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