dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
