I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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