i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize