At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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