Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
